Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ok, I have OFFICIALLY decided it is time to get my fat old lazy ass in gear and back into shape!

I can keep up with four grand kids at the park, 8 daycare monsters children at home, in the yard or at the park. But two dogs kick my ass???? WTF?

I ask everyone in the house to go for a walk with me and take the dogs......BAH....that's not happening!

But they are so full of energy and I haven't had time to take them to the bark park to run!!! I know... my fault.

In the summer I like to walk them, in the winter I am lazy and just haul them to the local bark park and let them manners there, just go do as they please.....when they are wore out I load em up and bring em home. Easy-Peasy.

Sooo, time to think about this....I could go for 2 walks, and take them one at a time.....NAH. Bad idea, if I go out the door with one I would not have anything more than kindling wood for a front door when I got back. And I really have no desire to replace my front door.

Ok you lazy assholes family members....I WILL DO IT MYSELF! Yea, I can be a baby when I don't get my way at times. Who doesn't?

Now before I tell you about my adventure with walking the dogs, I have to tell you a little about them......

Ozzy (So named because he has the attention span of Ozzy Osbourne) is Great Dane/Australian Shepperd cross. Weighs in at just over 100 pounds. he is my ADD dog, no, take that back...ADHD fits him better.

Schatzi ( Such a sweet heart) is lazy, laid back, likes to lay in your lap kind of dog. She is a one year old (barely) Saint Bernard. At her one year check up she weighed in at 135 pounds.

Now, keep in mind that they have not been on leashes since last summer, and with them being young that is not so cool I have decided.....

I have taught my dogs the house, in the yard all is good. They do listen and do as they are told. Ummm.....I think we need to work on wide open spaces.....

Those little fuckers forgot my voice....forgot who the Alpha Leader was.....and begged me to take them to the fucking local animal shelter!!!!

They were so excited when I pulled out the leashes and Gentle Leaders. Oh yea, I can should be able to walk them both with the Gentle Leaders.

They sat perfectly still while I got them all prepared to go. Out the door we head....all is well. They are loving this and so am I. I am so awesome walking down the street with over 200 pounds of dog.....

5 blocks from home.....Ozzy spots a cat! And he's all like "Ummmm, Mom look there's a critter for me to play with!!!! What is that thing? It is so little and so fast! Mom, I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!"

About that time....The Gentle Leaders collar snaps apart and now I am hanging on to him with just the leash, yea I was smart enough to hook the leash on his regular collar and the Gentle Leaders collar.

Command time....he knows his commands.....OZZY, STAY!!!
again.....OZZY, STAY!!!
again, nothing....

Oh, but SURPRISE, Schatzi loves that command.....PLOP goes her fat ass.

So now I have one trying to drag me across the street to get a cat that I have no idea where it went....And one that has decided she is tired and want s to STAY.

Ever try to get a donkey off his ass and lead him when he doesn't want to go? While trying to hold a horse on a lead who wants to run?

Yep, I am sure the whole neighborhood got a good my expense!

Hey, But I am not one to give up!!!! I am not a quitter, I tell myself that I am getting them to the car and hauling them both to the local animal shelter and dropping them off. I am so pissed off.
No, I was more than pissed.....

Now I barely have Ozzy's leash in the tip of my fingers....I have to do something and fast! I could not let him get away from me! Think Damn it! think!

I drop Schatzi's leash and use my free hand to grab Ozzy. ummm, by the ear!
Grabbed his big ass tail with the other hand...GOT HIM! He is going nowhere.....I straddle him like a horse and squeeze with my knees to hold him......get him so that he is once again at least hearing this point he realizes that he is in deep shit......BAD OZZY

He lowers his head and drops to his belly on the ground......ashamed of his actions.

I am so exhausted that I plopped my lazy ass on the ground with them....

Ok, I am calling home and telling Hubby to come get us with the car......

SHIT, Where the fuck is my cell phone??
At home, go figure.....fml.

So I am sitting on the sidewalk with both dogs, talking to them....yep, the whole neighborhood is watching. Not helping mind you...watching.

What a conversation:
ME: Ozzy what the hell were you thinking?
O: Mom, what was it? I want one!
ME: Ozzy, (in my most patient voice) We need to go home now. Can you be a good boy?
ME: Ozzy pay attention to me.
O: (with his ears standing straight up and tail going crazy) MOM, I WANT ONE !
SCHATZI: This is cool, I like laying here......
ME: Ozzy, Look at me, we have to go home now and you HAVE TO BE A GOOD BOY, okay? Can you do that?
SCHATZI: Hey Oz, doin good man, keep it up so I can rest a while okay?
ME: Okay guys, time to go.

I stand up, replace Ozzy's Gentle Leader and give them command.....HEEL.

HaHaHa.....Ozzy sits up, Schatzi stays laying on the ground.....again....fml.

I finally convince Schatzi that we have to go and we make the 5 blocks home without further incident, thankfully.
We got home and get in the house, Hubby has the balls to asks me where we went that took and HOUR AND 8 MINUTES!
When I told him we went 5 FUCKING blocks and back he laughed his ass off, went and got treats for the dogs and told them how good they were!!!

For a while I will be walking, lifting weights, and walking the dogs one at a time!!!! Mr. Laughs-His-Ass Off can replace the door!

When they are trust worthy, I will take them both at one time again (call me stupid).
Until then the neighbors will have to humor themselves at someone else's expense!


The Queen said...

OK now that I've had my ROTFLMFAO for the day.. I need to get back to work.. You keep telling me you are not funny... you are full of it... that right there is some funny shit.

If they don't think that is funny.. well,, they need to look again...

I'm pimpin this one on tweet... you've been pimped woman..

Dana said...

I know I'm late to the party, but can I be one of your neighbors?? I have to see this in real life!

Kelly Dawn said...

lmao....I think that is flipping hilarious!!! Almost as funny as ME trying to walk my DAUGHTERS(not mine mind you) Great Dane named Talon while I walked MY pomeranian named Alex - it was not pretty...not pretty at all... - we have since given Talon to some friends of ours who have LOTS of ROOM for her to run since we do not...

Come see me :)