Ok, I have OFFICIALLY decided it is time to get my fat old lazy ass in gear and back into shape!

I can keep up with four grand kids at the park, 8 daycare monsters children at home, in the yard or at the park. But two dogs kick my ass???? WTF?

I ask everyone in the house to go for a walk with me and take the dogs......BAH....that's not happening!

But they are so full of energy and I haven't had time to take them to the bark park to run!!! I know... my fault.

In the summer I like to walk them, in the winter I am lazy and just haul them to the local bark park and let them run....no manners there, just go do as they please.....when they are wore out I load em up and bring em home. Easy-Peasy.

Sooo, time to think about this....I could go for 2 walks, and take them one at a time.....NAH. Bad idea, if I go out the door with one I would not have anything more than kindling wood for a front door when I got back. And I really have no desire to replace my front door.

Ok you lazy assholes family members....I WILL DO IT MYSELF! Yea, I can be a baby when I don't get my way at times. Who doesn't?

Now before I tell you about my adventure with walking the dogs, I have to tell you a little about them......

Ozzy (So named because he has the attention span of Ozzy Osbourne) is Great Dane/Australian Shepperd cross. Weighs in at just over 100 pounds. he is my ADD dog, no, take that back...ADHD fits him better.

Schatzi ( Such a sweet heart) is lazy, laid back, likes to lay in your lap kind of dog. She is a one year old (barely) Saint Bernard. At her one year check up she weighed in at 135 pounds.

Now, keep in mind that they have not been on leashes since last summer, and with them being young that is not so cool I have decided.....

I have taught my dogs obedience....in the house, in the yard all is good. They do listen and do as they are told. Ummm.....I think we need to work on wide open spaces.....

Those little fuckers forgot my voice....forgot who the Alpha Leader was.....and begged me to take them to the fucking local animal shelter!!!!

They were so excited when I pulled out the leashes and Gentle Leaders. Oh yea, I can should be able to walk them both with the Gentle Leaders.

They sat perfectly still while I got them all prepared to go. Out the door we head....all is well. They are loving this and so am I. I am so awesome walking down the street with over 200 pounds of dog.....

5 blocks from home.....Ozzy spots a cat! And he's all like "Ummmm, Mom look there's a critter for me to play with!!!! What is that thing? It is so little and so fast! Mom, I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!"

About that time....The Gentle Leaders collar snaps apart and now I am hanging on to him with just the leash, yea I was smart enough to hook the leash on his regular collar and the Gentle Leaders collar.

Command time....he knows his commands.....OZZY, STAY!!!
nothing
again.....OZZY, STAY!!!
again, nothing....

Oh, but SURPRISE, Schatzi loves that command.....PLOP goes her fat ass.

So now I have one trying to drag me across the street to get a cat that I have no idea where it went....And one that has decided she is tired and want s to STAY.

Ever try to get a donkey off his ass and lead him when he doesn't want to go? While trying to hold a horse on a lead who wants to run?

Yep, I am sure the whole neighborhood got a good laugh.....at my expense!

Hey, But I am not one to give up!!!! I am not a quitter, I tell myself that I am getting them to the car and hauling them both to the local animal shelter and dropping them off. I am so pissed off.
No, I was more than pissed.....

Now I barely have Ozzy's leash in the tip of my fingers....I have to do something and fast! I could not let him get away from me! Think Damn it! think!

I drop Schatzi's leash and use my free hand to grab Ozzy. ummm, by the ear!
Grabbed his big ass tail with the other hand...GOT HIM! He is going nowhere.....I straddle him like a horse and squeeze with my knees to hold him......get him so that he is once again at least hearing me....at this point he realizes that he is in deep shit......BAD OZZY

He lowers his head and drops to his belly on the ground......ashamed of his actions.

I am so exhausted that I plopped my lazy ass on the ground with them....

Ok, I am calling home and telling Hubby to come get us with the car......

SHIT, Where the fuck is my cell phone??
At home, go figure.....fml.

So I am sitting on the sidewalk with both dogs, talking to them....yep, the whole neighborhood is watching. Not helping mind you...watching.

What a conversation:
ME: Ozzy what the hell were you thinking?
O: Mom, what was it? I want one!
ME: Ozzy, (in my most patient voice) We need to go home now. Can you be a good boy?
O: MOM, I WANT ONE!
ME: Ozzy pay attention to me.
O: (with his ears standing straight up and tail going crazy) MOM, I WANT ONE !
SCHATZI: This is cool, I like laying here......
ME: Ozzy, Look at me, we have to go home now and you HAVE TO BE A GOOD BOY, okay? Can you do that?
SCHATZI: Hey Oz, doin good man, keep it up so I can rest a while okay?
ME: Okay guys, time to go.

I stand up, replace Ozzy's Gentle Leader and give them command.....HEEL.

HaHaHa.....Ozzy sits up, Schatzi stays laying on the ground.....again....fml.

I finally convince Schatzi that we have to go and we make the 5 blocks home without further incident, thankfully.
We got home and get in the house, Hubby has the balls to asks me where we went that took and HOUR AND 8 MINUTES!
When I told him we went 5 FUCKING blocks and back he laughed his ass off, went and got treats for the dogs and told them how good they were!!!

For a while I will be walking, lifting weights, and walking the dogs one at a time!!!! Mr. Laughs-His-Ass Off can replace the door!

When they are trust worthy, I will take them both at one time again (call me stupid).
Until then the neighbors will have to humor themselves at someone else's expense!

Yes, I Stole This

Yes, I stole this from something circulating via E-mail, But ya know what? I absolutely love it! It is 100% true and I am not a poet. I could not write a poem if my life depended on it. Thankfully there are those who can and do, and are willing to share them with us brain lazy people who don't even care to try it!

Happy Mother's Day to my children and my hubby, without them I would not have such a wonderful day of forcing them all to be my slaves being treated so special!

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn' t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.



Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn ' t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn ' t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much..
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn ' t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn ' t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn ' t know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn ' t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn ' t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .

UGGGHHH SCHOOL ADMIN SUCKS!!!

What is the first thing you think of when a male teacher or administrator takes a female child away from school in their personal vehicle without parental permission?

Would that thought be different if it were a female teacher with a male child?

Keep in mind that I am referring to GRADE school children.....What is the thought now???

If an administrator has a Doctorate are you required to call them Dr. or is Mr., Mrs., Miss okay?

Looking back, I see a few mistakes made on both sides..... I did not address her as Dr......my mistake.

Taking my grandson, Sir Talks-a-Lot, out of school without permission....her mistake.
In her personal vehicle......her mistake.
To his home and going inside the house when no one was home.....her mistake.
On more than one occasion....her mistake.

Now I can be a reasonable person, when it comes to me....When it comes to my children or grand kids....not reasonable....

Lucky for her I was not the one handling the situation. Para stepped in.....not sure that was good either, but she thought it through.....

She called the principle ask her why she did it and ask her not to do it again.....

The FREAKING woman called her petty and told her it was no big deal....her mistake.

So Para called the School Superintendent, told him of the happenings and ask him to talk to Dr principle. He said "No big deal".....His mistake.

Pissed off Para + her child's well being = Police Department

Report taken seriously by them! The Officer entered the school and let Dr. Principle know that IF she left the school with child again, charges would be filed. If she entered home again uninvited, charges would be filed. IF she stepped on said property, charges would be filed.

Pissed off Dr. Principle + revenge = Child Protective Services

3:20 P.M. and they show up at the door!!! Para told them to make themselves at home, she was leaving to pick up kids from school!

Turns out that 3 weeks before this all happened Sir Moves-a-lot had a split lip, Nurse ask him about it, checked with Sir Talks-a-lot and deemed the boys were playing and it happened. never told mom that they were even concerned about it. 3 weeks later that's the excuse for CPS!!!

Well, CPS worker would not confirm that it was the good Dr that called it in, but she did tell Para how to file harassment charges with the court against the caller.....and sent a letter of dismissal of complaint..... makes ya go hmmmmm, right?

So here goes Granny Nanny to the school.....Spittin Fire....First person I see, yep Sir Talks-a-lot...he begs Grammin not to go in there. he says there is only a couple weeks left and he does not want to deal with her. Smart kid.....I didn't have bail money anyway!

Guess we will have to wait and see the outcome!

How would YOU handle this situation???? WITHOUT a SHOTGUN???